But I came across some information that, quite abruptly put me in a very dark place. The bitter despair, fear, and impotent fury I feel right now may be a pale reflection of my feelings during the "dark times," but the pain I feel now is at least as deep and personal as any other I've had during the course of my life, excepting that. As of June 6, 2011, thepsychoexwife.com has been gagged by order of the court.
http://www.savethepsychoexwife.com has the news. I'm dismayed that they've only received $3334.58 in the last, oh, thirty days or so. The first month is rather critical for a call to action on this sort of desperate thing, and they're going to need $15k to appeal this monstrous action.
I wish I had it, if I could, I'd pay it in full, with a smile on my lips. Mr M's struggles are somewhat personal to me, even though I've never met him, and never will; he and I continue the charade of anonymity for a reason, but it was to avoid this very thing.
He was my inspiration to make this web site...not to publicise it--I don't have any self-aggrandizing skills whatsoever and don't want any--but as a dumping ground to write some of this crap down, in a form I don't really care is comprehensible or not, before the pain and the memories made me explode (If you're reading this and are not me, I'll be flattered, surprised, and more than a little afraid...)
Naturally, I read the full court order, and it's chilling. The Judge goes on and on, sarcastically and with a great deal of zealousness about his web site. I spent hours on that site, reading other testimonials, and even wrote my own eventually, once I could trust myself to write something that was actually potentially helpful. I wanted to save the vitriol and bile for here, where I could make a proper cathartic rant.
The clear bias of the judge against the father isn't anywhere near the worst issue. I'm deeply and personally motivated to hope and pray his appeal succeeds.
Strike 1. I do, after all, have a 'blog on the internet,' although I only posted on it in essentially the last third of the divorce, sporadically; so therefore, this ruling has a potential tangential affect on me.
Strike 2. I credited his site in my inaugural post as my inspiration for setting this up
Strike 3. The fact that my one and only reader was, in fact, "Mr M" himself gave me a much needed boost to my self esteem at about the time where I was capable of really starting to build it back up again.
Yep, I feel like I've just been kicked in the teeth. It's a distressingly...familiar...feeling
I've also posted in other forums--not including tpew, ironically; but still, the wording of that court order fills me with fear for the safety of every single person who has ever posted to an internet message board.
tpew.com is relatively high profile, I did lurk for months and see some hundreds or thousands of posts, so although the people behind it are anonymous, the site and its woes are not--and I don't doubt that our respective PEWs in our lives are more than capable of stalking the internet for such things.
It's not that hard to find a support board for dv victims, or google for the various personality disorders, find a board, and subpoena the web site's user list and log of activities. It depends on the strictest definition of the word "public," doesn't it? Judges and lawyers and court personnel are intrinsically stupid people, so if it's on the 'web' it must be 'public,' by definition, right? Logins and password protections are just a moniker, not a means by which to become private. You bet the asinine arguments will be made.
My fear is, one of them will manage, by force of some kangaroo court or another, to get a subpoena on one or more of those sites. We victims normally post in what we hope is an anonymous manner, but the nature and circumstances practically demand that we commiserate and share stories.
And what "Mr M," found, to his dismay can happen to absolutely anyone that's ever posted to an internet message board. A determined person that ALREADY knows the details of my own divorce, to the day, can very easily determine who I am if they found this site, even as LITTLE as I've posted here (I watch my traffic mostly because I'm rather afraid of the consequences if it doesn't stay near zero), and I have said some fairly incendiary things about courts and court officials. And yet I can't even begin to say enough, I just don't have the words or eloquence, or especially the sheer artistry, to properly express the depths of my profound hatred of judges, lawyers and other associated buffoons that label themselves 'civil servants.'
I get to the point of invoking Godwin's Law fairly often in my internal monologue, even now, and frankly, things have been going so damn peachy with the Awesome Kid Whom I Don't have to Play Fucking Games About Custody, At All, and actually fulfilling job that I'm by far the best in the fucking world at and new house and on and on and on that I hardly have Jack to complain about unless I give myself into melancholy reflection. (And isn't it disconcerting to see sesquipedalian vocabulary and byzantine sentence structure right along side the word "fucking?" Oh fuckit, I admit I just wanted to use 'sesquipedalian' and 'fucking' in the same sentence)
My own PEW? Doesn't even register. That's the problem with the 'P' part, it's either a depressingly and frighteningly accurate and you are consumed with fear and pity, or it's just an incendiary label, an epithet with no meaning whatsoever other than to highlight your own obnoxiousness. Take your pick, I know which one I mean when I say it.
My ex's (and Mr M's) seeming relevance is directly proportionate to their ability to manipulate lawyers and judges, police officers and social workers into doing her bidding, or in other words, why even have the middle man. In other words, my ex is irrelevant, lawyers and judges, police officers and social workers who are willing accomplices and enablers for the profoundly psychologically disturbed are the ones that are dangerously relevant.
Thus, the (Dis)Honorable Judge Diane E Gibbons, has managed, by proxy, from almost three thousand miles away, made my list of people who have deeply and personally offended My honor, My integrity, My sense of justice. She personifies the pustulent, abhorrent, evil system that has built around the fact that, frankly, people like my wife are extremely lucrative for their so-called profession.
Diane's actions were not against Mr. M. They were against anyone who has ever been a victim of violence, particularly of the domestic variety. And, most importantly to me, against me. There is no punishment sufficient to fit the crime of being in such a position of power, and use it for such obviously petty and gleefully sarcastic attacks against the clear victim.
Such a stupid thing she's done, and also so horribly, horribly dangerous. Mr M took great pains to keep all involved anonymous, often explaining in excruciating detail the circumlocutions necessary and the reasons behind it, only for this horrible, wretched creature of a judge to not only unilaterally abdicate Mr M's civil and constitutional rights, but to also threaten his lawyer, it seems, with contempt--I can just imagine him opening his mouth in court, about to ask politely what the first amendment had to say about her asinine ruling. Finally, her name is now public in a way that I can know my tormentor. It's a lot more...convenient... that "all judges" or "all police officers" or "all lawyers.
Her ruling, by the way, threatens ANYONE, absolutely ANYONE, that's gone to a self-help group meeting of any kind. Some random victim goes to a, oh, I dunno, victim's support group meeting of some kind? Perhaps discusses his victimization? That's a public forum. And hey, guess what, this is a precedence, and a relatively high profile one at that. If the victimizer of said victim knows of the existence of that self help group and that the victim went to it..well they can pull this ruling out, and use it to yet again, with blinding swiftness gleefully ask the system to remind us that we have yet to begin to be victimized to their satisfaction.
Just ask Honorable Diane E. Gibbons, she appeared to me, in the court transcript, to be filled with orgasmic bliss at being able to make a ruling that endangers the lives and livelihoods of thousands of children and their shell shocked, beaten, non-psychologically disordered parent, some of whom have battled half their lives in order to try to protect their children from a fate worse than death.
Divorce, at the level we experience it in the higher-than-high high conflict that I experienced and Mr. M lives, is most definitely and obviously not "two people disagreeing" as the court maintains in their convenient fiction. It's one party being ready and willing to do anything, say anything, stoop to any level of viciousness, and use any weapon to hurt the other party.
It is clear from the court transcript that I read, and Mr M's overall persona and demeanor, that judge Diane E Gibbons could not help but be more than fully aware of the real dynamics involved, and positively giddy to be used as such a weapon.
Thanks Diane, you're ruling just made my ex's, and thousands like her's, day. Your ruling is a PERFECT weapon for the personality disordered to use against their victims to keep us apart, isolated, friendless, and alone. We cried out in the wilderness, believing we were alone, found out to enormously profound relief that there were others like us, enduring unendurable and positively surreal events. We were able to compare notes, commiserate, devise strategies, get hints and pointers on what to do and what not to do, and build a group institutional memory going that being naive and trusting, as most of us had been all our lives, would get us crucified in front of people like you. Your ruling gives our aggressors open season to punish us for doing even that much. Your ruling create a real threat that we may be forced to disperse, for our own protection, leaving the wilderness empty and frightening and silent for the next man or woman who finds themselves in an intolerable, inconceivable situation and just wants to escape alive.
Our PEWs aren't our enemy, Diane. You are.
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